How not to “not”

This stren proposes a method to “starve” negative thinking.

            How often have you been told (or told your self) “Don’t worry!” “Stop putting yourself down; don’t blame yourself.” “Do not call yourself names like stupid, jerk, dummy, ugly, zero, asshole,” “Don’t let ‘it’ (or what he/she did) bother you.” 

            Of course, much advice to “not” would be well taken.  Indeed, we would be wise to stop what we are “not” to do.  Worry leads to unnecessary anxiety.  Blaming ourselves (blaming-in) leads to depression, guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  Blaming others (blaming out) creates resentment, rebellion, and/or body tension.  Persistent blaming ends in the helpless/hopeless response (“I give up”), shuts down our energy factory and leads to apathy.  The problem is, the more we attempt to “don’t worry,” “don’t blame,” or “don’t give up,” the more anxious, guilty, resentful, and/or drained we become.  You see, the “not” is productive when it leads to problem-solving.  It becomes harmful when, too commonly, we get stuck.  The “not” focuses attention to the “what should not have been done” and our energy is directed to blaming instead of constructive action.    Negative patterns feed on attention.  The more we “don’t,” the more we actually “do!”  Attention is like food.  The more we feed something, the more it grows.  “What action is most likely to lead to the outcome I want” is the productive “quick-step.”  It is the antidote to the “shouldn’t”s and nonproductive blaming resulting from an overdose of “not”ing.

            What happens when you dwell on thoughts such as, “I’m not going to eat that chocolate dessert.”  “No more cigarettes for me,”  “I really don’t need his (her) love.” or “Money isn’t important.”?  The key to the problem is dwelling on the “not.”  You could manage to let go of your worry, blaming, and give-up patterns if you merely recognize the “not” and immediately (or as soon as possible) and persistently substitute a positive thought, idea, fantasy, expectation or action in its place.  Accept rather than focus on the “not.”  Acceptance enables you to “neutralize” your tendency to feed the pattern with the attention that enabled the “not” to get fat in the first place.  When you accept and acknowledge the “not,” without dwelling on it, it stays lean and can even be starved.  Substituting “What is helpful?” (the problem-solving MRP) rather than what’s “not” is far more likely to lead you to a healthy state of feeling good and doing good. 

            I recall hearing the following riddle: “I will give you a million dollars if you think of this offer, but only on the condition you don’t think of the word ‘zebra’ when you think of the offer.”  The riddler said he’d never have to pay because the word ‘zebra’ was indelibly connected to the offer.  I don’t know if his view is 100% accurate, but it does suggest how difficult it might be to eliminate an established pattern of blaming the “he/she/me” or “it,” who is associated with doing what “should not” have been done.

            While it may indeed be impossible to not pay attention to the negative behavior associated with the “not,” we can certainly teach ourselves not to dwell and continue to blame.

We can learn to substitute a constructive thought for nonconstructive preoccupation.  I invite you to share a method I have found effective for myself.   

            I began by imagining a bookcase with a number of shelves.  Each shelf is filled with books and each book has a jacket with large print, easily read titles.  I have chosen these books for the titles that hold my attention.  Each title addresses a positive topic, thought, fantasy, idea, and/or activity I can turn to.  I keep this bookshelf permanently in my mind so I may “pull off the shelf” any title when I so choose.  When I realize I’m dwelling in nonproductive thought (and often when I’m just in the mood for some stimulating “reading”), I know my shelf is there.   

            I work to keep my shelf full.  On it I place such “titles” as my accomplishments, interests, and goals.  More specifically, on my shelf are memories of happy times, shared experiences with family and friends, self-endorsements, funny incidents, romantic and sexual fantasies, and visions of successful outcomes of my endeavors.  I think of the challenging puzzles and problems I share with others in my work and hobbies, of financial management issues - one of my family responsibilities.  One of my favorite subjects with near endless titles are “strens” applicable to better understand and apply to my personal growth and well-being, i.e. becoming what is within my capacity.  I like to think about the great questions of philosophy and religion.  There is awe and wonder in pondering on such issues as “Was there a beginning and what was it like?” “What could be beyond the stars ... is there an end?”  “Are we here for a purpose?”  “Is there a common set of values that are applicable to humankind?  And why do we have such difficulty getting along?”  And, endless more.  The fact that I don’t have the answers is not as important as the pleasure I derive during the journey.  I recall and enjoy hobbies, vacations, automobiles, books, movies, and much more.  And it’s also quite satisfying to consider the catalog of “new titles” that I might add to my shelf. 

            What is your shelf of positive constructive preoccupations/activities like?  Is it full?  Do you continually replenish it?  Would you be willing to invest some energy on a regular basis to stock your shelf?  Here is a resource for “feeling good and doing good” that you may continually call upon to substitute for the “nots” in your life.  Practice doing this and your well-being will thrive; the “nots” will not.

            The magical problem-solving sentence will continually be helpful in dealing with any pattern you wish to change: Given this situation, what action is most likely to lead to a positive outcome for now AND in the future, for me (us) AND you (them).

 

Note: Other strens in this Guide dealing with thoughts and thinking and the constructive use of fantasy may be helpful in creating a “positive” bookshelf.