Preparing for Loss

This stren addresses how we may prepare our self to better deal with losses we will surely experience during our lifetime.
           
           Consider the many painful losses people experience during their lifetime … favorite toys or dolls, wearing out of things, death of a pet, loss of a job, another’s approval and/or affection.  We lose our youth, beauty fades, we lose our vision and hearing, our hair, our strength, and sooner or later our health.  We lose our innocence, our baby appeal that invites others to take care of our needs and wants.  For some, a loss by their favorite team is a traumatic event.  We not only lose what we desire; we substitute with what we don’t want -- wrinkles, aches and pains, obligations and debts.  Loss is inherently painful.  Yet, others show us that it is manageable.   Do you agree that while life has many gains, we all experience a variety of losses?  

           Ultimately, we lose our most precious commodity, life.  It is certain!  I recall a study that concluded when the woman in a committed relationship died first, the male partner had an average life expectancy of 9 years.  If the man died first, the woman had an average life expectancy of 13 years.  Few people prepare themselves to emotionally deal with this critical time period upon the loss of a significant other.   

           We have ample time to prepare.  Yet, most inadequately prepare to wisely face what is unpleasant.  We tend to deny it, push it out of our minds when it appears, and/or inflict excessive anticipatory worry and pain on ourselves, far beyond that which is productive. How well have you been provided for loss?  What teaching have you been exposed to thus far?  How have you provided for your self to deal with loss?  

           Observation clearly indicates that some manage well, others poorly.  The manner people think and the wisdom within their thinking are the major determinants of how loss is managed.  This Guide provides a newer way of thinking and a collection of the wisdom that has worked for others.  We learn from what others have found effective.         

           Here are some practical suggestions to prepare yourself to wisely and productively manage your losses in life when (not if) they occur.  Pick and choose and add what can work for you!

	The basic conclusion from my study of people who best manage loss is that they own and actively direct their thinking.  They skillfully challenge fate and circumstance.   Thinking is our most powerful means to manage what we feel and how we act.  The native language we first acquire reflects our helplessness and dependency on others.  We appropriately expect some external force to do right by us.  We blame others when we hurt and experience hopelessness when relief is not provided.  We are taught early to meet others’ expectations and to blame, i.e. “guilt” ourselves when we fail to do so.  This passively acquired blaming and helplessness thinking acquired during the dependent stage of life persists, until we change it.  Ineffective thinking that prolongs healing, such as the following, is common:  “You should care and be there.” “He, she, it makes me ….”  “The world should be fair!”  “What did I do wrong to deserve this?”  “I can’t stand it.”  “Why bother, what’s the use?”  Those most successful in managing their loss (and their life) have developed a newer way of thinking that I label “ANWOT.”  This newer manner of thinking emphasizes personal responsibility and wise problem- solving.  ANWOT is the means to freedom from “outside” control, the means to self-mastery and becoming one’s own person.  “This may be damn difficult but I will keep doing what I reasonably can” replaces “I can’t stand it!  My happiness depends on ….”.  “I could” is substituted for “They should”.  By using personal responsibility language, we strengthen our willpower and empower our thinking to “make a difference.”  Descriptive words and concepts that foster wise problem-solving are used, more so than the early prescriptive thinking that promotes blame and prejudged conclusions (prejudice!).   This new way of thinking is readily taught and learned; it is the focus of this Guide.  Teach yourself ANWOT.  With practice, we can develop skill in becoming our own person and the master of our thinking.  By owning our own thinking, we can wisely manage our feelings and actions.  We can prepare our self for our inevitable losses.
	Become a better lover, beginning with our self, by developing our love-making factory.  Practice the strens on self-endorsement.  Become our own best friend and lifelong traveling companion.   In filling our own cup, we will have more to give away.  Applying the newer way of thinking to create our own minimum daily requirements of love, we will have more, not less, to give to others.  Once we cure our self of the common love junkie habit, so necessary in our early years, we can substitute mature love for dependent love.  We will still experience pain when we lose a loved person and/or object of affection; however, we will know how to assist our own natural healthy healing process.
	Recognize the tendency to “guilt,” to blame our self.  Too often we are our own worst enemy rather than our own best friend.  Recognize the difference between absolute best and reasonable best.  Perfectionists measure their worth by some absolute best test and usually suffer the most, unnecessarily.
	The most powerful wisdom, what I call “the stren (strength) stren” came from a doctor of psychology who, as a teenager, suffered a football injury that caused permanent loss of use of his legs and arms.  Asked how he managed such a loss, he replied, “For awhile I wanted to die.  Then I realized that when I dwelled on what I lost, didn’t have, or might not attain, I made myself miserable.  Everything changed when I began thinking about what I had accomplished, what I had right now, and what I could yet attain.”
	Learn from the wisdom of others.  After reading the above stren, a woman, virtually incapacitated, mourning the death of her father wrote me, “Instead of just thinking of my loss, I began to think more of the good times and happy moments we shared.  The stren has made a big difference.  I feel so much better.”  The way we think powerfully influences what we feel and what we do.  This Guide contains a collection of the “strens” or strengths that others have used and shown to be effective.  Try also to become aware of the negative effects thinking may have.  A happy eight-year-old girl was caught in time as she was calmly attempting to hang herself.  Asked why she would want to die, she explained, “You said grandma was in heaven and I could see her when I die.”  Distorted thinking, even well-meaning, commonly leads to harmful outcomes.
	Expect emotional and even physical pain.  Know that it is normal and we can stand it; the intensity is time limited.  The pain does diminish with time.  Life’s enthusiasm, with its many opportunities may require months, but it will resume.
	Kubler-Ross and others have described common responses people experience with loss.  Shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and thereafter, acceptance, are responses best managed when we realize they may occur in the normal process of mourning.  Knowing they may occur and that we can deal with them will be helpful.1
	Invest yourself in many interests.  Now!  Pursue them with chronic enthusiasm.
	Make the “magical” problem-solving sentence a routine step in thinking, “Given this situation, what is most likely to get me what I want, in the short-term and the long-term?”
	If role models are available, seek their advice.  Support groups provide a means of reassuring us that we are not alone.  They are often a source of companionship, support, and helpful advice.  Be prepared by cultivating one or more confidants.  Practice putting feelings into words and sharing them with one or more others.  Be a friend.  Develop a circle of friends and support people.  Caring and sharing works!
	When opportunity presents, try to help someone else experiencing loss.  When we attempt to help another in need, we benefit as much or more than the person in need.
	Read about dealing with loss.  Don’t wait until loss has already visited.  There are many good sources now available.2
	Prepare a will.  In addition to knowing our affairs will be carried out as we wish, we can learn a great deal as we consider what is meaningful.  Include what would you desire if you become so incapacitated that you could not make your own decisions, for example, the use of life support?
	Have you prepared yourself to manage economically?  Too often, one becomes so dependent on a partner to manage finances that the survivor flounders and/or is easy prey for vultures.  Acquire some basic finance management skills and consider what trusted backup resources are available.

The new way of thinking described in this Guide will improve your life’s experience including helping to prepare you for loss.  The ultimate benefits will be yours as you create and add your own wise thinking to your unique life’s circumstance.